God in Lori

GOD IN LORI

You should see us sleeping at night. I look like a ten-year-old boy the way I embrace her so closely and tightly like she’s a teddy bear that holds me as well. Those are the times that everything feels so calm, and I thank God for her right in that very moment. I get so emotional talking about her at times because I never really thought that I could feel so strongly about anything. I love my daughter far more than words could explain, and far more than I could ever love any other woman. She is my whole world and sanity. She’s the only thing that makes me believe that everything will be alright. When my world is jumbled or scattered abroad, I just look into her eyes and suddenly, everything morphs to its normal phase, and my world comes back to one piece. I remember writing a poem called “God’s Eyes”. I think God personally read that poem because I find peace every time I look into my daughter’s eyes. I thank God for answering prayers. So you ask me, “What’s your motivation?” I can, without a doubt, say to you that Lori is my motivation. She has truly changed my outlook on life, and I live for her brighter future.

GOD’S EYES

I wish that I could see God’s eyes.

Only his eyes.

Not his face, nor his body; just the eyes.

Then maybe that would stop the pain I feel deep inside,

Deep inside my heart and deep inside my mind.

It’s sad.

I live days meaninglessly and watch time fly,

And as every minute flies by, I contemplate suicide.

I can’t hear my voice of reason and I don’t know my reason for being,

So who would care if I lived or died?

And if everyone has their own reason for being, then what’s mine?

I’ve grown so accustomed to grieving that I can no longer cry,

Because once my well runs dry, every bit of stress that I feel will still be alive.

I just want to see God’s eyes.

So that they can reveal answers to just a few of my “whys”.

Then maybe I can be what He sees in me.

Because life is so vague and the light is so dim,

And I can’t see which direction I’m going in.

I know it’s not right.

So it has to be left.

It’s not straight and lefts not right……

I turned somewhere along life’s journey and what I needed most, I left.

So I’m wandering alone,

Knowing I need it, but too stubborn to ask for help.

And if I’m not mistaken, God told me that he was always behind me just one step.

But I’m so confused and I don’t know what I’m missing; whether it’s love, a friend, or something else.

I’m lost in my own mind,

A one-roomed room.

And if I can’t find my way around in here, then I’m my own doom.

And I don’t want to forever live in disguise.

My smile and laughter are both temporary…..

I call them lies.

And I hide behind them to seal these thoughts and feelings from my mind.

Because in the late hour, when I’m all alone,

All of the gloom and sorrows come alive.

And I don’t want to dwell in this dreaded place,

So I just need to see God’s eyes.

Then just maybe they can show me the order to these scattered puzzle pieces of my life.

Lorenzo Wesley, Jr.

Copyright ©2009 Lorenzo Wesley, Jr.