NOXIOUS LOVE

I keep running after love; neglecting to pause and breathe. Someone said to let love come to me; to be patient. Being patient is the hardest thing in world to do when love is consistently passing me by only to stop and deliver itself to my neighbor. My patience has run out like the breath that I was holding for love. I fail to comprehend the reason why I severely desire what does not want me. I fight to merely touch, love and I fail. Then I find myself battered and wounded; unable to stand with the scars that love has left in my heart. For some reason I have this addiction to her. She beats me down and leaves me for dead, but somehow I manage to rise back to my feet. I heal, and time and time again I attempt to give love a resting place within my heart. I’ve come to realize that I am the root of my own inflictions. Love won’t stop hating me and I, like a dope, keep trying to love her. This is the idiot that love has made of me. Maybe I am not insane enough to continue to withstand the hell that love sends me through. I don’t see the logic in that insanity because love should feel good. It should be perfect. It should mesh well with my heart like Sunday dinners and close knit families. I should certainly get back what my heart distributes, but it is merely a dart board for love. I send my affection and she throws sharp and pointy aspects of pain, consecutively, at my heart. I don’t flinch. I don’t move. I stand there dumbfounded and I wonder, “How in hell am I receiving this?” I think I’ve done all that I can do to satisfy love, but the bitch is so difficult. So my heart is as cold as the love that comes to me. It is as hard as the surfaces that my heart has shattered upon thousands of times before. Love doesn’t want me, and I wish death up on it. I tried. I did everything in my will to make my heart a peaceful and cozy home for her to lay her head, but she hates me. For that very reason, I hate her. Fuck love!

Copyright ©2010 Lorenzo Wesley, Jr.

Showing Love

Matters Of The Movement

It is not essential that I hold my peace,

My words are hollow-tip projectiles; my tongue is an M16,

And when my words penetrate emotions leak –

Voices shriek, and minds awe,

Pain strikes nerve endings, eyes overfill with tears then leak –

Leaving stains from streaks down the faces then drips from the jaws.

I let my thoughts marinate in the mind, but I serve them up R.A.W.E.

I’m not cocky but I’m confident that I spit hot shit; funky and no flaws,

I bleed pain, rain love, and cast my fury through my pen,

Incarcerating my actions behind the bars on notebook paper; shit if I couldn’t write and spit, I don’t know what kind of misery I’d be living in,

The MIC is my adrenaline,

And I use it to get it in with every metaphor, simile, and synonym that relieves all stress,

But at the same time I’m serious about my craft, so I practice to perfect it to progress,

Then I hit the spot on Sundays so that my culture can be expressed,

And to pick the brains of the artists and poets that I look up to and consider being the best,

Like the END poet, who B.A.M.B.O.O. said was the cutest thing with a mole,

She spits blessings from heaven; food for your soul,

Then back to B.A.M.B.O.O. who gets so hype,

Spitting so fluidly and abusing the MIC,

Then admire Mariama because there’s not a time that she’s spit and I didn’t feel it,

And if I had to sum her up in one word as a poet, I’d say that she’s the realest,

Shout out to Merc B. Williams when he’s on the MIC sounding like Taye Diggs,

Understand this kid when he tell the ladies, “he needs…… it”,

This was the first guy that came to me and said, “Dude! You need to spit!”

And for the homie Matthew Simmons,

A lot of times we spit content of the same shit and I know what he’s feeling,

That’s why I’m with him when I hear yelling, “Fuck love!”

Cause’ love is the “okie-doke” and it’ll get you fucked up,

Next, this beautiful woman has the voice to place my soul at ease,

Because she has hymns from the heart; that’s Talibah Smith,

And I think the gates of heaven open up whenever she sings.

Last but not least, Cocky McFly, your swagger is dope,

Sometimes I laugh; seeing you tote that MIC,

But trust me – I know.

And I think I speak for all the artists and poets when I say, “We love our host”

And I appreciate all of you cats,

Because I put my pen and pad away a while back,

You’re like elevators to my heart when it’s joy that I lack

I just wanted to used my blessing to show love and give props,

You are the shit, and whether you know it or not,

We're matters of the movement, and I’m grinding for us until we ascend to the top.

Peace.

Lorenzo Wesley, Jr.

Named in the piece are some of my favorite artists and poets with the exception of several others.

Unseasoned Dinner

After having a thorough talk with a close friend of mine, I found myself giving advice that I, as well, may need to take. Our conversation evolved from struggling, as we are now, to religion. Of course, the primary objective that was rooted into my mind was religion. I am no saint, but I am saved. I know, without a shadow of doubt in my mind, that God sent his only begotten son to die for all of our sins, and through Him I am saved. However, I’m still a sinner and I am no better than a person on death row for serial murders. I am striving to be more like Christ, although my efforts are not as aggressive as they should be. I’m faithful that God will and is working with me and molding me into the man that I am to be. I am faithful. I’m filled with faith. Through my faith, I am pleasing God.

During the conversation with my friend, I realized that this person is, ironically, the same person who I was a few months ago. Due to several mishaps and a series of trials, I found myself growing weary of all of the tribulations that I had encountered. I prayed vigorously every single day to be delivered from all of the anguish that was continuously oppressing me. I was so anxious to get away from all of the troubles that I reverted to attempting to handle them on my own. My faith began to dwindle and every inkling of struggles penetrated straight into my heart. I became angry and found myself blaming God for not holding up his end of the bargain. I failed to realize that my faulty faith was the finger that pulled the trigger to the pistol loaded with rounds of heartache and woes that was aimed directly at my heart. No matter how much I prayed, it seemed like I wasn’t getting any response from God. I prayed lacking faith. My prayers were like unseasoned food. I wouldn’t want feast on tasteless meat, so why would God want to feast on tasteless and unfaithful prayers. Hebrews 11:6 says, “Without faith, it is impossible to please God.” I had known that before, yet my faith faltered and I was forced to discover that His word is real.

I used this same story to explain to my friend that I have been in the situation that the person is in. I’ve probably been in worse. Through speaking with my friend I noticed that this person has been praying in the same manner as I was. I know that still have some issues of my own, and the advice I gave to my friend, I took heed myself. We’ll fast for 7 days and show our Father that we are faithfully strong in Him. I won’t go into details about what we are fasting, but during the fast we will pray faithfully and know, whole-heartedly, that God will bring us to our break-through.

Stay tuned for the testimony of our works and how good God is!

A Letter To My Father

A LETTER TO MY FATHER

Dear Father, My Savior,

So many times, you’ve called and reached out to me, and I turned away from you. So many times, I have tried to conquer this troublesome life on my own. I let my foolish pride separate us and I often turned to the world for comfort. When I was down and out I called out to you lacking faith. When you didn’t respond in an instance, I found myself being frustrated with you, and I was careless of my own faults. Though, you always responded when I called. You always answered my prayers. Forgive me. I tried to carry my own burdens and rid myself of them only to find that the load was getting heavier and heavier. The sad thing about it all is that I know who you are, and I know that you are capable of all things! I continuously shunned away from you and I place blame on you when I felt neglected. The truth of the matter is that you were always there. You said that you would never leave or forsake me, and you never left me; I just never sought you presence. Instead, I turned to man to find love and comfort. I deliberately and consistently rejected you and became agitated with you when I was the only one hindering my blessings. Father, I apologize, with all my heart, for my ignorance. I apologize for my lack of faith. I apologize for being the epitome if my own lonesomeness and blaming you.
I’m grateful, Father. Through all of the negative actions that I displayed, you stayed right there with me. Just as I thought that I was about to drown in my own sorrows and misery, you reached out to me once again. Only this time, I reached out to you as well, and you rescued me from drowning in a sea of heartache and pain. I don’t deserve it. I’m not worthy of the blessings that you bestow upon me, but you bless me anyway. You give and give and give to me, and selfishly, I take. I’ve realized that the time has come for me to accept responsibility and seek what it is that you will have me to do. I want to give back you, Father, because you love me, and you show me that you do every day in the simplest ways. I appreciate your goodness immensely. The pain, tears of sadness, worry, stress, and the many bottles of alcohol that I submerged them in are all yours to bear. It is time that I hone to the man in you that I am supposed to be. I give you me to shape and mold so that I am able to fully commit to and do your will. I give to you my mind so that I am constantly focused on you to carry out your prophecy for me. Most of all, Lord, I give you my heart for you to do as you please. Have your way with me, Lord. Fill me up and use me to carry out your will.
Thank you, Lord, for being so merciful and patient with a knucklehead like myself and for allowing me to come back to you every time that I wandered astray. Thank you for godly people and the angels in the image of man that you used to lead me back to you and family who love me and are the epitome what I’ve been searching for in all the wrong places. Thank you for unspeakable joy and thank you for keeping me near. For the salvation that you have rendered unto me, I thank you, and I thank you for you.

Whole-heartedly, Your Son,
Lorenzo Wesley, Jr.

PAPERS

PAPERS

I’m so in love with you sometimes.

I think that we might just be able to get back on one accord,

And I’m willing to talk it out, work it out,

Because sometimes, you look so damn sexy to me,

And I want to rush you and force to the ground that we stand, and tear off all of your clothes, then make hot, passionate, wild, animal love to you.

Sometimes you’re beautiful.

But you disgust me, sometimes.

You have a smart mouth and a funky ass attitude and sometimes I wish you’d SHUT THE FUCK UP!

You say the wrong shit when I’m trying to talk it out, work it out with you and YOU make us argue,

Then sometimes I hate you to death and I care less of every single thing about you.

I know you’re no good for me and I’m not setting myself up for your bullshit again.

Sometimes I’m just horny and I ease in to the bed room while you’re asleep and I ease in and ease right out of you as quickly as I can,

Getting my nut and hoping you didn’t get shit.

I hope you didn’t even feel it.

But sometimes I lay in you deeply and slowly,

I try to get my whole pelvic area in there just because I do want you to feel everything,

So I go so deep that I fuck with your mind,

And I do it because, sometimes, you’re so good to me,

And I want to be spontaneous and take you on random rendezvous’,

I want to know all of you and get lost in your mind,

Aimlessly wander into your heart,

And become exhausted from the adventure of exploring you and rest in your soul,

Sometimes, your mind, heart, and soul is so damn cold, though.

So I just throw up my hands.

Because I’m the only one doing all of this romantic shit,

And I get so pissed so I just sit in the house whenever I get home.

We go nowhere and do nothing, and I’m content.

Sometimes I stare at you when you’re asleep.

You look so cute;

But when you’re awake, your nagging gets on my last damn nerves,

So I’m staring and contemplating how I can seal or stitch your mouth shut without you awakening before I’m finished.

Why do our arguments get so heated and violent sometimes?

Arguments are supposed to be healthy, but ours could wind up being deadly,

Sometimes, I don’t know why you think you can square up with me.

Get your damn finger out my face girl!

Keep point in my face and swelling up at me and you’ll find out “or what”,

Get from in from of the door.

I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m getting the hell away from your crazy ass before something happens,

KEEP TESTING ME AND FIND OUT!

DAMNIT I’M GONE!

Get yo’ got damn hands off me woman.

OOOOOOO! Sometimes I want to Chris Brown yo’ ass.

But that’s not in me, but I’ll shake the shit out of you girl,

Sometimes I hate you so much.

Then sometimes I love you just as much as I hate you,

But I don’t like that sometimey mess,

And I don’t mean to hurt you.

I never like seeing you cry.

It kills me,

But it’s impossible for me to give you all of me if I only love you sometimes,

I need to feel loved daily, and I need to feel the need to give love just as much,

So I’m moving on. I’m leaving.

It’s my only option.

Neither one of us are happy.

Sign these.



Lorenzo Wesley, Jr.

Copyright ©2009 Lorenzo Wesley, Jr.

ANGELS

ANGELS

I can honestly say that I’ve seen, pretty much, immediate results from actions that have been taken that were stated in my last blog. It seems like the right people were placed in my life at the right time. God has placed 2 valuable people in my life, just as I was thinking that everyone cared less. I’m grateful and I value your friendship to the fullest. It feels so good to know that I have people who have my back and who are there to listen to me when I’m feeling down and out. I don’t spit out names in my blog unless it’s someone in my immediate family, but these two people know who they are. I’ve had an amazing day today. I can’t recall the last time I had one either, but I’m overwhelmed about it today. It’s wild though. I could sit here and list the things that are messed up in their entirety, but it wouldn’t matter because I feel good. I visited a friend’s church today and it was such a loving, spiritually filled atmosphere. The church is in Vicksburg, Ms. and named Bypass Church of Christ. This is the way a church is supposed to be. It seemed like every member in the church had the same mother and father. The fellowship within the sanctuary was so moving and the Holy Spirit resided in every corner of that place. Man, I love it! That church is filled with angels.

One of my friends was talking about the revival service that held last night. I literally could feel her energy just by reading her message that was typed about it. So I wanted to experience some of that goodness myself. Lord knows that I needed it. The only problem was that the church is in Vicksburg. My car will not make it that far. I told you that this church is filled with angels, and I mean that. My friend who is a member of the church offered to come and pick and up so that I could ride along with her. I was really going to have another “sit-in Sunday “. With the offer extended, I wasn’t going to miss out on my blessing. On another note, I can clearly see why she drives from Jackson to Vicksburg each Sunday for church service. That church is awesome. I probably wouldn’t be feeling as good as I’m feeling now if I had turned down that offer.

If that’s not enough, I received great news from my other friend involving some business issues. More importantly, when I told him about the changes in my life that I was making, he totally respected and accepted it. I know that many people are going to turn away from me, but that is just God working and weeding out all the things that block my sight and hinders me from what is mine. It’s great to know that someone that I would consider to be a brother to me would still support me in all of my endeavors.

On top of all of that, today I was searching for some sponsorship information online, and my 2 year old daughter climbed in to my lap and separated me from the computer just for about 8 seconds. She sat in my lap and said, “I missed you, daddy” and gave me a kiss and a huge hug. It literally made me cry. Just to know that my life means so much to one person is a thought that leaves me speechless and in complete awe. My baby girl is my motivation, and all this time I was talking about living for her to have the greatest and brightest future, but I wasn’t doing it to the max. I was killing myself slowly by getting drunk every weekend, being down and out consistently, and shunning away from my own family. I need to be here for her and I will. I’ll be her for her better than any other man could be. I’m so thankful right now. I just feel like shouting.

I’ll leave you with this:

You won’t ever catch overindulged in alcohol again. I don’t have to be here and my flesh is temporary, so why should I abuse it?

You won’t ever catch me beating up myself about the trials that I’m going through. Someone somewhere has it way worse than I.

You won’t ever catch me isolating myself from my family again. When everyone else is gone, that’s all that I physically have.

SHOW FAITH BY PREPARATION

SHOW FAITH BY PREPARATION

Everyone has their own reasons for certain actions. My reason in particular is a simple epiphany. I have heard of people talking about having them and have seen people act them out on television, but I really, really never thought that one would just dawn on me. I wanted to say that I was drunk because, actually, I was. It was so clear to me though. I haven’t spoken about it to anyone though, but when people ask me why am I not doing a certain thing, I simply tell them, “Something dawned on me.”

I’ve found myself being agitated with God and losing faith is almost every situation. I’ve been praying and praying for him to deliver me from all of the stress and depression, but I haven’t seen anything happen. Just as something good comes to me, something bad that overweighs what’s good follows it, and I allow it to take me out of giving him praise and appreciating what He had done. I know better though. I’ve been worrying so much about the mess I’m going through that I don’t even notice the things that he’s prepared for me. I went from being happily married with a loving family to separated from my family and going through a divorce, from making 4k a month to not 4k a month, from having a house to and apartment, from having an apartment to living with my parents, from having 2 cars to 1 car, and from 1 car to no car. When I did get another car, I hated it. I have to put oil in it every week and power steering fluid in it every other week; careless of the fact that it got me to work and back. It got me from Byram to North Jackson to get my daughter. But now the transmission is about to go completely out and I can’t put it on the interstate I have to take back roads and city street to get all the way out there. I didn’t appreciate it. I didn’t appreciate a damn thing.

I wanted to blame every think on the alcohol, but I had a sudden realization of me. I have never thought about why God’s not help me in my time of need. I never thought about why I’m going through all the mess I’m going through until the other night. I was talking to a friend, and we were both under the influence of alcohol. He expressed some things to me and I gave my advice and opinions and vice versa. However, the same advice that I gave to him I needed to give to myself. After we finished talking, I headed home. The battery was dead on my phone and nothing good was on the radio so I rode home in silence. As I was driving, my mind wondered, and it dawned on me that I pray way too much not to be receiving continuous showers of blessings daily. Then it dawned on me that I haven’t been to church in maybe 4 and half months. What I’m getting at is; God already has my deliverance and break through ready. He’s waiting on me to come correct. I’m sincere when I pray, and he knows. That is why it’s already prepared. The only thing is that I come to him asking for this and asking for that, but I’m doing foolish things and not giving him the praise and reverence that I should. Why? That’s exactly what I asked in every one of my prayers.

I prayed for money. I have a decent paying job, but I spend money on foolishness.

I prayed for a reliable car. I have that. It may not get me there as fast as I want it to but it gets me to where I need to be, but I say, “This car is so busted. I hate it! I need a new car! Whaaa whaaa whaaaa!”

I prayed about a place to live. I have a loving family that wouldn’t EVER let me fall, but I shun away from them. I don’t even talk to my mom and dad because I’m so worried that all that they’re going to want to talk about is me. I’m a neat freak but my room is messy everyday but Sunday. I spend time cleaning it when I should be in church.

I pray and I pray and I pray. I don’t prepare for my blessings or appreciate what I do have now. That shows a lack of faith on my part. If you want it to rain so that you crops can grow, you have to go and plant the seeds. My epiphany revealed to me that everything that I’ve been asking for is already made and ready for me. I haven’t put forward the effort of trying to get them. I’ve been praying with sincerity, but without faith. I get it. I really do, and I’m showing my faith to get everything that was revealed to me in that sudden realization. i know that everything that was taken from me, I will receive again seven fold. Once I realized that, I prayed and asked for forgiveness because I wasn’t pleasing God.

I’m not blogging this for pity or to look a certain way. I’m blogging this because this might help someone else. I’m not the only one who’s going through rough times. God has never forsaken me, nor forgotten me. Why would he do things to please me if I’m not doing what I’m supposed to do to please him?

I’m going to get what is for me and I’m preparing to receive. Read instructions.

Hebrews 11:6

James 2:20

Romans 1:12